Golden Sugar in the Sugar Bowl.

dior hides under hat

“Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” 
― Coco Chanel

Today’s topic is one I have been holding back from writing its about something I do not want to think about and that something is AGE and worse still middle age.

You see age is a big issue with me at the moment in fact it consumes me and I obsess about it constantly every day.

In a matter of days I will be ‘celebrating’ a significant birthday, only celebrate is not the right word, I am mortified at the prospect and I am horrified at yet another nail in my coffin of life. 

Yes this sounds very depressing and not at all ‘Sugar’ like but this blogspace is my excuse to let it all gush out and basically moan like hell here in cyber space.

Fifty..yes there’s the number that I have refused to discuss until this moment..I am nearly 50 years old…dear god even reading it makes me fill up inside with total horror and fear.

I know there will be a lot of you reading this thinking I must be mad and I should

embrace my golden years..embrace them? are you stone mad? I absolutely dread this so called autumn phase of my life. What is there to embrace about getting nearer to the twilight home for the bewildered? I hope I do learn to embrace it or else I am in for a rocky ride because I cant escape it that’s for sure.

So to lighten this post up I shall dig deep and’ go within’ myself as New Ager’s are fond of saying and ask myself the following question:

Do things get better or worse with age? what does all this ageing stuff mean to me?

I wish I had appreciated my youth whilst I had it, as the old saying goes ‘youth is wasted on the young’  I thought I had forever to live out my dreams, travel the world and see and experience all this planet has to offer. 

I thought I had an eternity to keep a size 8 figure and a good tight backside.

I thought the day would never dawn when I would look into the mirror in the morning and see a woman I barely recognise any more, in fact first thing in the morning is always the worst and scariest time as I resemble Shrek !

I must admit I am lucky in the fact I do not have any grey hair yet but I do have my fine lines around my eyes now and the signs of ageing are even more apparent. The one thing that has changed with age is that I have developed my sense of dress code, when I was younger even up to my mid forties I would dress in the latest trend and feel terribly old fashioned if I didn’t but these days I accept I am no longer a twenty, thirty or even fortysomething dolly bird but I am days away from fifty and that means moderation in most things including my clothing. I still wear my boots and jeans but I don’t keep up with the trends as such any more because quite honestly as Coco Chanel said:

age gracefully

Nothing looks worse than mutton dressed as lamb and I have learnt from making many fashion mistakes that I can still look stylish without resorting to mini skirts and over tight leggings that are unflattering and make me look like a hooker or worse a sad woman trying desperately to look trendy and younger than my years..in fact its more ageing.

Now don’t hit out at me my fellow mature ladies just be truthful and honest with yourselves …unless you are blessed with a body like Elle MacPherson and a face like Kim Basinger don’t do it you will look embarrassing and total strangers will whisper about you in the street and worse still your kids will laugh at you or as in my case a couple of years ago they will actually hide the offending garments from you! but if you are blessed with a truely amazingly great body carry on and hats off to you. 

Also the thing about being a mature woman in her golden years is that dreaded word Menopause..oh dear god this one is a beauty a pure delight to experience and just for you younger readers you have this fun to look forward to:

Hot Flushes

Forgetfulness

Weight Gain

Depression

Mood Swings

Loss of libido

And you are very likely to pee yourself when you sneeze! yes its all great fun and down hill from here..take it from me.

So my sugar lumps I can see nothing to embrace about getting older.

My biggest fear is losing my mind and this terrifies me. My grandmother was a vivacious and fun loving lady the life and soul of the party and she lit up every room she entered.

my nan..1968

my nan..1968

Now she has dementia and it kicked in during her 80′s ( she is now 94) and its so very sad to witness…so very sad.  I am terrified it will happen to me and even worse at a younger age. I can think of no bigger fear that I have about getting older. Disease we can try and fight but dementia takes the person we are and our dignity away and our families suffer greatly and its so very common these days I can not think that is something that is so rife in older years to embrace.

My perspective on one thing has changed greatly especially these past couple of years since my health has started to play up and life has taken some rocky roads both financially and emotionally and taken its toll on me and my family. I always loved my kin but I admit I always took them for granted..I don’t any more, I realise that all that matters is family and if your lucky one very close friend who’s heart will never let you down ( that friend can be hard to find and we can fail to connect with that person and never know such a soul in our lives..thank goodness I have Ruth as many of you are aware and from 16 years old to our fiftieth year together I always think of her as family)

Me and Ruth aka Pats and Ed.

I think that family and health is all that matters in this life because all the money in the world can not buy you happiness and love, yes it helps to pay the bills and keep financial angst away from the door but really we only need enough for that..bills paid and food in the cupboard and a healthy body and mind nothing else matters..just family, health and love. 

PhotoFunia-Summer_Love

And so I end my little post by saying this:

On reading this post through and editing before I press ‘publish’ its made me stop and think and realise that I must try to stop obsessing over my future and possible negative events as I can not stop what will happen, what will be will be and I must try my best to live in the moment as tomorrow is not promised to any of us, this is so hard for me to do that as its not in my anxiety prone make up to be so Zen but I must try if I wish for shiny sparkly and golden sugar in my sugar bowl..and when my dreaded birthday eventually arrives shortly and I am officially in my autumn years I will continue to do what I always do when someone asks my age and that is to look them in the eyes and smile graciously and say:

‘ You ask my age? well I am forever 39…would this face lie to you’ ?

Sugar xoxo

Sugar’s Rules of Civility

heysugarsugar:

#ThrowbackThursday post from a while ago but still a trending topic.

Originally posted on heysugarsugar:

“Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy.” …Ralph Waldo Emerson

beautiful 2

What ever happened to good manners? Basic old fashioned civility and common courtesy ?

Now my regular readers here are well used to me ranting about bad manners…nothing will drive me up the wall with outrage more than an ill mannered rude person.

As stated here before many times I have many personal bear bugs and I am about to off load them here yet again.

Now daily in my business in hospitality I have to cope with ill mannered people on a regular basis such is the nature of the beast in my chosen career. But personally I have a few gripes that people who know me in real life will know if you don’t want to send Sugar into a fuming rant or possibly an upset over emotional tearful tantrum please take note of the following.

Here is a…

View original 553 more words

A letter to my 14 year old self.

heysugarsugar:

I re-read my post and reblogged it to remind myself of my words to myself…

Originally posted on heysugarsugar:

Dearest me,

me ..St. Fagans 1970's

me ..St. Fagans 1970′s

I wish I could make you happier right now as your sitting there alone in your bedroom in Cardiff, yes I can see you, your sat upon the large windowsill, that dad has just varnished a nice colour for you, your sat there looking over the garden, its a nice pretty garden, mum and dad are out there planting and tending to the shrubs and flowers, the greenhouse full to overflowing and there is Jamie the golden retriever, playing on the lawn. You are sat inside though, your record player with his smoky grey plastic lid has an album on it, the stylus placed so gently upon the vinyl, what’s playing tonight? Meatloaf? Fleetwood Mac? who knows? who care? its music and music is your life. it protects you from the ugliness of school and the bullying and torment and will be a constant in your life always.

View original 1,185 more words

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy…

heysugarsugar:

A re blog…and why not?

Originally posted on heysugarsugar:

”Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?  Will you still love me when I’ve got nothing but my aching soul?

 I know you will, I know you will..”

I love to read books and I read a great deal. But you wont find me reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ chic Lit ( sorry my best friend Ruth, I know I am letting our reputation as bad girls slip here) No I love good literature and I wallow happily in the words of great writers, lost in a world of fantasy and wonder. As you are all aware by now, I am highly dramatic and tragic enough without getting any extra inspiration, but seriously if I could write like my favourite author F. Scott Fitzgerald I would die a happy lady.

Fitzgerald wrote wonderful books and incredible stories, he transports me to my favourite place on earth Manhattan during the Jazz era, or maybe to the south of France again during an era when…

View original 598 more words

DP Challenge ..I Remember…The North and South

heysugarsugar:

reblogging because I like the memory….

Originally posted on heysugarsugar:

THE CHALLENGE: I REMEMBER

You’ll need an egg timer or a some sort of stopwatch for this challenge. Set a countdown timer for 10 minutes, choose one of the writing prompts below, and just start writing. Whatever you do, don’t stop for ten minutes. Keep your fingers typing. Write what you remember. It need not be accurate — it’s your memory. Do not judge. You got this.

  • Your earliest memory. Capture every detail. Document the quality of the memory — is it as sharp as HDTV or hazy and ethereal, enveloped in fog? Write for 10 minutes. Go.

My earliest memory is not in HDTV but very much in an ethereal grey tone.

photo

I must have been about 4 years old, maybe even three.I was.very young and I know it was about 1968 because the memory is set in my grandparents pub in Tiger Bay Cardiff in the sixties, so I guess its…

View original 546 more words

Namaste

Namaste

Namaste~~~I honour the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace.

I have argued with myself over writing a post about Religion and Spirituality,the differences beween the two and the search for God and answers to life. Its a tricky subject as so many people out there reading this will have very firm beliefs and may find me offensive. But after a brief conversation with a friend of mine today about ‘having faith in something’   I thought Ok its coming out of ‘Drafts’ where it has been sat for quite some time and I shall tweak it and go for it. I may be slightly controversial for a change but hopefully in a debate sort of way not ”oh my god get a ‘Fatwa’ on her now” way!…I am not  ‘doing’ a Salman Rushdie, I am just going to write about my experiences and my thoughts. so before we start just remember this is just a blog and not meant to offend…we can debate the subject and share opinions, but please no death threats! 

I have been searching for answers most of my life. I was raised Church of England, which is basically not a real religion in my mind, after all Henry VIII changed the church from Catholic to Church of England when he could not persuade the Pope to agree to divorce. He wanted an heir to the throne and his  wife Catherine of Aragon could not provide one so he wanted to try his luck with Anne Boleyn..typical man if you ask me, acting like a spoilt brat to get his own way…he was a serial womaniser and divorcee fond of be-headings, so in my mind The Church of England is nothing I have ever taken seriously or found even remotely comforting or endearing.

I refused to go to Sunday School as a child and when I was a teenager I witnessed my mother taking religious instruction to convert to the Catholic faith. It seemed to work for her for a few years , now she is a lapsed Catholic..she never felt worthy enough or good enough to even take  Holy Communion. Catholicism is a faith filled with guilt, in my opinion and experience anyway.

As a child I can still see my mother stood in the hallway of our home in Cardiff telling me off after I had been cheeky and saying to me that God was watching over us with the ”Book of Life” and every time we did something naughty or wrong a black mark would go into the Book and on our day of reckoning at the pearly gates the book would be opened to see if I had been a good girl and allowed into heaven.

I believed her and was terrified. Now looking back its hard to believe the woman that my mother is now actually said such a thing to keep me in check to be fair she only ever said it to me once but to this day every time I do something wrong I imagine that black tick going into my Book of Life. Dear me god if  he exists, is going to have a lot of  black ticks on those pages indeed. but is that right? to scare someone a child? surely a loving god would not do such a thing? so you see to me Religion, organised religion is there to keep us controlled. remember the bible was written long after Jesus died.

Life passed by, and I did not go to church, because like I said I have no time for the Church of England but I did go to Midnight Mass in the Catholic Church a few times on Christmas Eve with my mother to keep her company and that was actually quite nice…I have always loved the smell of incense. 

Then one day my youngest daughter who was only 3 years old at the time , went through months of being unwell, she was a bag of bones and slept all the time and was really poorly. she had blood tests, in fact a lot of tests and the doctor’s could not even after 6 months give me an answer no diagnosis was given. 

One Sunday in the springtime, the sun was shining and Molly fell asleep yet again when she should have been in the garden playing, but she had yet to show any interest in playing anywhere. She fell asleep. her dad was watching TV. I silently left the house and crossed the main road to the Church opposite and I went in..it was empty I fell to my knees in front of the alter and for the first time in my life I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. tears rolling down my face, my heart breaking thinking my baby was seriously ill. I asked God to make my little girl well again, to take away the tiredness, the sickness, to let her eat again and to play and be a normal, healthy little girl once more.. Eventually I stood up and went and lit a candle. walked out of the church crossed the road, walked back into my house and nobody had noticed I had even gone out. 2 hours later Molly woke up, walked past me, opened the back door and got her dolly and went outside in the garden to play. she recovered from that afternoon onwards.

So you tell me…was it God answering my prayers? a God I barely believed in or just coincidence? but as we all know there is no such thing as coincidence.

Time passed I moved here to Pembrokeshire and started on a new journey. not religion as I define that as organised set of religious beliefs, no I started to look into Spirituality, and boy have I looked!

I have dabbled in the following to more or lesser degrees.

Buddhism and meditation..including chanting and Mala beads whilst I Om’d. ( this still is the way I more inclined to go, minus the chanting and Om’ing) I like the Buddhist way of looking at things.

Wicca and Paganism..for many people, the embracing of an earth-based spirituality is a feeling of “coming home”. Often, people say that when they first discovered Wicca or Paganism  they felt like they finally fit in. For others, it’s a journey to something new, rather than running away from something else. May I add that not all pagans are Wiccan and not all Wiccans are white witches. There are a few witches who follow the Christian god as well as a Wiccan goddess or deity – the Christian Witch movement is alive and well!

There are also people out there who practice Jewish mysticism, or “Jewitchery”, and atheist witches who practice magic but do not follow a deity…confused yet? may I add here for the record, Sugar is not a witch! I have done some of the candle stuff yes and I have when needed to done the following :

Someone needs to go out of my life because they are not good for me and hurt me badly and are really awful. so the name has been written in black pen on white paper folded up and put into a cup of water in the deep freeze and left there until the person no longer has a negative effect on my life. When happy I take the cup out and let it defrost somewhere in nature back into mother earth. It works..honestly! I am not mad! my deep freeze in work is like a  white paper grave yard..all my staff have buried someone in the freezer of names and we are all the better for it.

Is this magic? No !  I think its the thought of intention, mind over matter..but if it works, hey rock on!

Side note…this was about 5 years ago and I no longer dabble in that one either.

I have the crystals and the crystal ball ( although I have yet to see anything in it!) but it looks very pretty on my dressing table.

I have cleansed my crystals outside by the light of a full moon and run them under clear fresh water or water from the ocean. I have smudged the Tearoom and my house with sage sticks like the Native Americans, I have banged Tibetan singing bowls in all my corners ..trying to get rid of bad negative energy,

I have  dabbled in Feng Shui and wandered around with my compass panicking if my cash register is too close to the window or if my bed is in the right corner (never looking out of a door way) and I stressed over if my health corner was correct.

I have bought lucky Chinese 3 legged Money frogs for the Tearoom and hung wind chimes by the doorway to keep my Chi flowing. I can not say I have benefited from any of these things…shame really. 

I have looked into Astral Travel ( and failed, although they say many people can do do this I think its pretty impossible) but I have seen and sensed someone else’s ‘energy’  around me, which was quite an enlightening experience and I have sensed and seen spirit and always have done. I can not dispute this. 

I have tried to mediate and failed badly, well no actually for a short time I managed but not for very long and in the end I gave up, my monkey mind wont shut out the chatter and I have never had visions or enlightening messages that others get, so I gave up on that one.

I have studied gods and goddess of the welsh mythology kind.

I am intrigued by the Jewish Faith and Kabbalah as I have Jewish blood. My great great Grandfather was a polish Jewish immigrant who escaped the war and came here via Cardiff docks and married a Welsh girl. If it had been on the female line I would now be Jewish  but its on the male line so technically I am not. But my mother, myself and my eldest daughter all have the ‘noses’ to argue the case, recently a Rabbi said  ‘ Ceri you could walk into a Synagogue and be accepted, you look one of us..pity its not on your grandmothers side”  ( side note..you don’t ever want to see me as a brunette which is my natural colour.. I wore a long dark wig once to fancy dress and went as Cher and  I looked like a demented Jewish mama cooking the chicken soup ) but I must say I am highly drawn to all things Jewish, and one day would love to take a trip to the Holy Land..just to ‘see’.

I digress..

So now you know my weird little ways and the things I have tried and done in my search for God, or Allah  or Budda or Oneness… whatever you want to call him or her or the energy that is ”God”.

Do I believe in God? I believe in something.. because mammy told me about that ”Black Book”  and put a vision in my head. but I don’t see a god with long hair and a beard in a robe.

I see a form of energy..to me he or she is energy that is within us all.

Jesus? he said that everything he did  we all could do and yes you do see alternative healers doing exactly what Jesus did.  I think he was a prophet , a good gentle man and yes I believe Jesus as a man existed, but as the only son of God?  I am not sure about that one…I believe we are all sons and daughters of ‘God’  I do think we are all connected to one source and to also to each other, I just don’t have the answers to what that source is and I wont ever have that answer until the day I die, and then unless I am permitted to blog from the otherworlds  I wont be able to let you in on the secret.

It all comes down to Faith in the end and what rocks your world and makes your day feel safer or happier. be it performing Catholic, or Protestant,Pagan, Wiccan, Jewish, Moslem or Jehovah rituals or if its just sitting in nature thinking wow this world is beautiful, I wonder who made it all happen?.

So I end this now as I started this post. firstly by saying please don’t judge me, I am only telling you my story and thoughts. yours will be different and rightly so. we all have our own journey to travel and road to walk upon. I hope at the end of the day, you are filled with peace and health and happiness and most of all love because really that’s all that matters. love for yourself and for others. any good, loving God would want the same for you.

Finally

Namaste..I honour the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light and of peace.

Sugar xoxo

 

Weekly Photo Challenge : On Top : On Top of New York City

On Top

It can be a feeling, a perspective, or a physical location — share a photo that says “On Top.”

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_photo_challenge/on-top/

first glimpse of City life

first glimpse of City life

Macy's from hotel rooftop

Macy’s from hotel rooftop

On top of the Empire State Building

On top of the Empire State Building

On Top of the Rock

On Top of the Rock

On Top of the Rock looking over at The Empire State Building

On Top of the Rock looking over at The Empire State Building

p

It can be a feeling, a perspective, or a physical location — share a photo that says “On Top.”